Just a lowly cashier complaining about the unknowing irritation you cause by everyday purchasing transactions.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Customer Clichés

After having two days off, I get to go back to work on my birthday. And since we didn't win the Powerball drawing last night, I can't quit today either. Damn. But, I'm determined not to have a bad workday because who knows, it may be one of my last when I drop the bomb later this week that I'll be needing ten days off. (But what will I write about if I'm not a cashier?!)

As a customer in the crazy shopping rush yesterday, I witnessed something that gets on my nerves when said to me: "Workin' hard or hardly workin'?" The statement is always followed by a pleased laugh as if the customer is convinced that the statement is perfectly ingenious and witty. It's not. In fact, I've heard it millions of times in the past seven years over the course of my customer service nightmare. Get a new line!!!

There's also an ever-faithful following of people who for some reason believe in the unwritten and unstated rule that: "If it doesn't scan it's free." I don't know where the fuck someone came up with this Unwritten Scan Policy or why it has been so universally adapted but I hear that at least three times a day. After five years working in grocery cashiering, it's gotten pretty old. I hate it. My blood nearly boils every time I hear it, especially if you've been a jerk through the entire transaction. It makes me want to impale you in the eyeball with the debit/credit machine pen.

Today I vow not to let the old customer clichés, "Workin' hard or hardly workin'?" or the Unwritten Scan Policy bother me. And if it does I will employ my secretly aggressive tactics on you:

If you're a lady and you get on my nerves and you plop your purse on my grocery belt as you dig in your purse (usually these are the customers that dig in their bag for ten minutes looking for a form of payment), I'm going to move it. When you grab your bag before it rolls away from you, I'm going to act like it was a complete mistake and say sweetly, "Oh, I'm so sorry! These things... they just have a mind of their own."

I also dislike when ladies put their purses on the bagging carousel and park themselves in front of it while they dig through their tootsie roll trash to look for their money or card. For one, I can't move the damn thing to bag anything and two, I'm going to move it. So... grab your purse before it spins away or flies out into the floor. And if that happens, I will apologize sweetly and proclaim my innocence.

I will also bag your items as horribly as I can. If people are nice, I bag the groceries nicely. It's usually the people who completely ignore my greeting and subsequent "How are you?" question that I employ this tactic on. Your bread... might be smooshed. And I will bag your Twilight DVD with a hunk of cheese (well... like items, right? I totally did this the other day!). Your Oreos will be beside your Spaghetti sauce jar and they will most likely be smashed by the time you get home.

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