Just a lowly cashier complaining about the unknowing irritation you cause by everyday purchasing transactions.

Friday, March 4, 2011

A New Direction

So, I finally figured out how I think I want a book based on this blog to go... and I started writing today.  I reasoned that most of my blogs fit into the following categories: arriving, shopping, and leaving.  Here's what I've got right now as a work in progress for the first chapter of the book so far. 

The parking lot is the first indication of the condition of the actual store.  It is also a place of great idiocy and rudeness on behalf of the customers.  Most parking lots that are frequented by a great many people, as the Supercenter’s was, are littered with everything imaginable: fast food bags, dirtied baby diapers, drink cups, socks, and shirts that have remarkably found its way off of the wearer.
And despite the fact that there are many trash cans that are conveniently located throughout the parking lot, people take the path of least resistance and dump their shit out on the pavement rather than walk an extra two steps to deposit of it properly.  This behavior is not unlike the lazy assholes in movie theaters who leave their popcorn on their seats and their drinks in the cup holders (because carrying it out the door and next to the trash can would be too much activity to handle). 
To further drive home the true laziness of the Supercenter’s classy clientele, the manner of parking was also indicative of the customer’s true lack of conscientiousness.  
There’s a special breed of people (whom I have named parking piranhas) that cruise the parking lot for the closest spaces in order to attack it as soon as one backs their vehicle out.  There may be many parking spaces a few spots away but they seemingly cannot live without the space being as close to the door as possible.  I have even experienced being stalked by people driving in their cars in order to find where I was parked so that they may grab up my spot with the greediness of a two year old child.  To catch them off guard there are a few tactics I have employed to throw them off (you may steal these if needed):
  • Walk insanely slow, stop, look at your imaginary watch and glance around the parking lot as if you cannot find your car.  Throw up your hands in exasperation and soon they will get frustrated and drive off to another victim. 
  • Pick a random car out of the parking lot and slowly walk to it.  Fumble with your keys for effect.  When the car approaches you and your fake car, run in the opposite direction to your car.
When you finally get your car parked in a carefully chosen space, it is now time to take a deep breath and brace yourself for the hectic store environment.  
Have you ever experienced inclement weather while out shopping?  Have you raced through the rain/snow/sleet to the store entrance, went to grab a cart and there are none?  Or there are carts but you turn up your nose and cry out in exasperation that the carts are wet?  Yes, the carts go outside and outside is where it is raining so logically the carts will be too.  Wipe off the cart and move on. 
And when there are no carts but the parking lot was covered in a foot of snow, what the fuck are you doing out in the snow shopping for?  (Why did you risk your life to come and get a bag of chocolate-covered donuts and a t-shirt?)  These are the same people who cannot figure out why there are no carts in the store.  If you had a hard time walking into the store, how fucking hard do you imagine it is to walk, push carts, and avoid the asshole drivers of the parking lot?  Yeah, pretty damn difficult.  If I were a cart handler, I would not be the slightest bit tempted to go outside and grab carts in terrible weather and risk bodily injury just so customers can push it around the store to gather things to stuff their faces with.  Go get your own cart or grab a hand cart.  Why are you grocery shopping in this weather?! 

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